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Monthly Archives: February 2013

I decided to use this prompt for writing creatively stolen from Collectivus. The prompt is “5 within 5” and entails choosing 5 objects within 5 metres and using them in a story. I haven’t written creatively in story form for a long while, and I find it a challenge to separate myself from the narrative, but here goes and I hope to continue.

***

Running is an abject curiosity to me. I imagine it to feel akin to the freedom of the sea; the sea has no barriers, no restrictions, only those inflicted upon by man. I put on my trainers, some joggers and gear up mind in to a state of anticipation of what the result of this run could entail. The mirror showers me with confidence, a quietness resides in the reflection I see. Run the pain away.

The air is thick with hot sea salt, my hair becomes matted as the sound of distant waves are subdued by the music that filters through shiny, white earphones. I jog on the spot to warm my muscles, as I’ve seen others do, in their tight lycra bottoms and ever so pristine stretch maneuvers. The memory of him as he’d bend down and tie his laces, the intent plastered on his face, the focus and grit. Lyrics sing to me Loving just ain’t for me but it’s creeping up so slowly.

I begin.

The pressure is building in my calves as each foot thumps the heated paving, to the right is the sea in all of its glory, its cries of joy a whisper against the lyrical flow that streams to my ears and bypass everything to the heart. This was mine and his song; one night he returned home and I greeted him with a meal, the song played and whipped romance around us like a noose. His smile was gentle on that evening, his caress was soft and his silence all empowering.

My chest becomes tight.

Is this from the memory of him? How can he still be having such an effect? My breathing picks up pace, a weight feels as if it’s been placed in between my lungs. Before I realise what’s happening my knees meet the ground, as if slow motion as the attack tightens. I reach for my inhaler and take puff after puff after puff; I lay dazed staring up to the sky when a blurry human silhouette eclipses the sun.

“Are you okay?”

Is it him? My vision starts to retain focus and I realise that the 80 year old lady staring back at me, with a squint that alludes worse sight than mine, is all but an illusory version of the one I love.

What a disaster. My attempts at running, to take in the lessons he taught without speaking, have failed catastrophically. I can’t be like him. The lyrics sing You have captured me.

The sun is setting as I return home, limping and still recovering from the rope around my lungs. I reach my front door and bow my head until it lightly thuds against it, a man defeated by an ambitious idea. As I enter the door, I see next to the flickering candle light my phone lit up in neon green.

It reads: “She’s away. I can come around if you’re free? x”

As I consider the request with a toiled warmth, the lyrics finish up my thoughts with This may not be a bad thing, this love, this love, this love, this love.

***

Below is the song that weaved its way in to the story.

A quietness embroils me as I answer the ring.
An urge seeps from the deep red; how I’d make you aware
the troubles of which you silently inflict.
But is it not me, the one with trouble,
who chooses to spotlight yours?
Where is the line of morality drawn on who is
wrong and who is right? Tell me, please.
I want not to drown in the sea of waste; no ‘what if’.
But what if you sought to unravel me?
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
I would repel this feeling within if I could,
but innateness disallows the intellect’s reasoning,
the mind allows no free flow of riddance.
But thanks I must give as you teach me,
not of the menial things,
but of the challenge held within restraint,
and of tolerance and unconditional love.
For it’s the latter of which holds us bound.

“Do you see it?”

“What?”

“The bright light. It’s where your dreams manifest in to reality.”

It feels like.. bouncing on clouds. It feels like being a cloud. The metaphorical cloud, rid of its thunder. No more rain. There’s beauty behind it all. We’re steeped in confusion, but it’s all so simple. It’s like the blossoming of a flower in a time lapse video; the merger of nature and interference. It’s like an ant colony carrying their grains, each with their own mission to survive another day.

“Isn’t it beautiful?”

“What?”

“Life.”

“Yeah.”

That’s just how simple it can be.

That’s just how simple it is.

“Don’t let it pass you by. Don’t let fear consume the beauty.”

Today in my sordid late night lonely cam chats was Miguel. Brazilian Miguel. My how I love me my Brazilian men. At first, what sat staring back at me was his dancing pecks. Typically, any pecs of such calibre would not normally stop and chat to me; it’s not that I’m not good looking, I have a certain look, a unique look, which I celebrate (mostly, tried lying at first but who celebrates themselves all the time?). But he stopped to chat. There’s something about my curiosity for the South American land so huge that could be deemed as a bit of an obsession. I’ve travelled around the world, both ends, and that beautiful mass of contradictions is number one hot spot on my list, the guys that inhabit the place are one of the foremost reasons. The quality within their interaction, the friendliness and the openness to foreigners attracts me somewhat. And of course the partying ethos of which the nation portrays through the glittering celebration that is the carnival.

After confessing how horny he was, as most guys on those sites do, we continued on an all night cam chat session. He turned out to be kind and chatty and a doctor, stethoscope in hand as proof. His body was toned and lean, and there was no way for me to recognise his 5 foot 7 height until he told me. His face looked healthy and he had considerate, big brown eyes. By the end of it, we’d built quite a nice connection, though he seemed more attracted to me. I probably lied a couple of times in the moment, confessing his perfection, which I’d never do really, but it made him happy. He showed me around his flat, even stopping to pee with me there as a voyeuristic bystander.

Quite the dream and when I do go to Brazil I’m sure he’d more than accommodating.

So, last Tuesday I began attending a ‘positive thinking’ course. It runs once a week for four weeks. Yesterday was the second of such a “lesson” or open discussion, as I’ve come to find it. Before I progress, the word “positivity” is always underlined in red by the spelling auto-checker, this baffles me.

Anyway, I’m going to record the gist of what I remember are the key points in what I’ve learnt;

— The tutor, Elaine, a serene black woman with a great sense of humour and general nice aura about her, told us that positive thinking is all about the self. Concentrate on the self, give the self time and think. Basically, be a bit selfish sometimes.

— Be mindful. Let go of the past. Try to remain in the now.

— Do not over think wasteful thoughts. Same with negative. “I should’ve… why didn’t I… if only I’d have.. ” << examples of wasteful negativity.

— At the start of every day and the end of every day, give time to reflect on the previous day, on things you've said, things you're proud of, the ways in which you could have hurt somebody. To awaken and jump straight to breakfast and run for work "is not how it's meant to be but how it's come to be" she explains. "We are human beings, we need time away from the cycle," she urges.

— We, being humans, ourselves, are love.

— Your intuition is right. There's a voice inside you, you just need to have the ability to listen.

— For every action or feeling or interaction there are qualities we use that effect, affect or help or whatever. For example, making a cup of tea for somebody else is borne out of love. We take time to flick the kettle, to observe the amount of sugar, to then give the finished cup to somebody, it's borne from love. As she stated, and to which the other people and I laughed: "You never make a cup of tea and then throw it at the person."

— We have no right in passing comments or judgment. Whoever it is we're passing commentary about, or giving advice to, has the ability to be responsible for their own actions. We have to be TOLERANT, which means respecting the individual enough to let it not effect YOU.

— As homework, we were given a set of instructions. There are a lot of 'C' words. All of them are as follows: No comments // No criticism (including sarcasm) // No control (of others) // No comparison // No competition // No correction (of others) // No complaints. However DO congratulate // celebrate // keep calm.

**

There's something about this course that I don't want to ever end. My life in 2013 has generally been much more positive, and I know this is a process of which I will gain peace within again. To write all of this stuff out above makes me pleased (CELEBRATE). It's bringing a sense of quiet joy within, enough to evoke happy tears, because I feel like I'm achieving again.

**

This year is shaping up to be yet another that is being joined together by memories and photos of social activity, namely parties thus far, completely against the pact that I made with myself of not partying too much and concentrating on my mental and physical health a bit more. It feels okay though. Consuming class A’s and partying in to the early morning, sometimes early afternoon, sometimes for the whole of the following day, married with a lack of real routine or job and a lack of concentration on the mind & body really was eating away at my very core. The essence of me was being destroyed.

However

…less (note not all) class A’s are being consumed, less alcohol too, sleep at a reasonable hour and I get to see my friends, who let’s face it are the epicentre of my life at the moment. Without them I’d really leave a sad and lonely existence, apart from my family of course, who are a constant and I’m grateful for.

Also, my mind is more sharp. My diet is regulated and filled with goodness, for 6 weeks I’ve monitored what I’ve eaten – so much fibre, fruits, vegetables, a healthy home cooked meal, plenty of nuts & youghurts & oily fish etc etc, and a shit load of water every single day. I notice the results in my mind and my body. I also work out daily. I feel good when going to see my friends now, instead of couping myself up, alone with my terrible and wandering mind, thinking about how they all hate me. When really I hated myself.

Already this year there’s been a leaving do for a friend moving to Canada, my birthday, my sister’s birthday, an event yesterday at my sister’s work place, which was brilliant by the way, then this forthcoming weekend is a friend’s bday, the following weekend is a friend’s birthday too.

Without being ungrateful, when does it actually stop? And do I really want it too?

On other plus notes, I’ve started a TEFL course which should push my ambition to travel and my online business is doing reasonably okay. I have to take note of things progressing in a positive way. I also attend a free course on positive thinking, which has opened my mind somewhat. I’ll be going again on Tuesday, with a couple of my guru-like mates, so we’ll see what happens there.

I guess this post is about appreciation for the positivity that is being bred within and it all started with a change in diet.

This song is just wow. It’s that initial reaction to a song, before it gets overplayed and becomes equivalent to a photo of the winter of 2013, embedded like a stark memory. Before I sit and blub in awe at the technicality within his vocal performance, the track is made all the more powerful by expertly punctuated booms and impending horror-film like keys. It’s got the makings of following in the footsteps of Adele in crossing over to America via a second album. Maybe it’ll remain understated, maybe retain a humble presence in the electronic/pop crossover, as his previous work has done but I think it deserves a bit more. His vocal has truly turned me the fuck on, the lyrics reach in to the depths of my soul, the music is stirring me, it resonates at whatever the fuck frequency my energy pulsates at. How can music evoke such emotion? How can it pull out each individual selfish want out of me, on a string, like a talking doll?

Wow.

“i’ll wait so show me why you’re strong ignore everybody else, we’re alone now
i’ll wait so who me why you’re strong ignore everybody else, we’re alone now”

James Blake – Retrograde