I’m giving this intuitive writing a blast. I don’t know where it will lead but it sounds appealing and I’m sure I used to be able to do this with ease, back when I was more open to the world and open to allowing people seep in. I don’t know. I don’t know. With you it’s always something. Blank mind. Empty space. I’ve been so true to you. With you it’s always something. I can’t seem to get past this block. It feels like I’m caged within a metre squared brick encasing of a house. The chimney releases smoke from my incessant cigarette cures. I’m not really sure how I feel about my friends. I’ve been thinking am I developing some sort of social despair? I’m sort of getting over that now, the result of being locked up for a year, no job, no cash, but with the stronghold of family love. That’s kept me grounded. Without them I truly don’t know where I’d be. In a council house perhaps, living in the same mental state but with no immediate love around me. I’m being looked after and in a way it can devour what society deems to be a man. It eats it up, soaks like a sponge, wrings out on the street, complementing the rain and dog piss that has spawned before. Trees. Africa. Warmth. I’m looking out of the window and the trees sit still while house music beats allow some form of nestling sympathy. My soul is torn. But it’s fixing. I’m even attending a positive thinking course with my guru-like friends on Tuesday. I’m extending my teaching course and I’m developing my own digital magazine. One day I’ll look back and be safe in the knowledge that I got over this period of time, that it was a difficult state of affairs brought on by my own lack of empathy for myself. So with this teaching course I’ll be able to earn some money, save, plan, make dreams a reality, because anything can be achieved. That’s what I’d tell my kids too, I’d tell them to go out and achieve what you want. Don’t bring me down. Bring me down. Don’t bring down. So my guru-like friends will be attending this positive course with me; they’re actually guiding me somewhat through this path to … well not enlightenment but some form of resolution. They probably don’t know how much more at ease they make me feel to be back on this positive path. I give them thanks, they give me strength. I want to become that person I was, I was charming and happy and people drew towards me, they talked to me, strangers approached me, smiled at me and I’d notice. I’d appreciate all of this. I remember at uni and work, my bus journey’s were a place of reflection but also a place of interaction. Watching things whizz on by, people, buildings, the sun sometimes blaring on my face, the rain down the windows, that sort of environment brought out in me a sense of relaxation. I like being around people but not necessarily interacting with them, but then again I guess you’re always interacting with people and the world if you’re so involved or immersed in it. The other night, for my birthday, another thing I’m grateful for, was the transition from bar to bar, where drunkenly me and my friends were loud and laughing. Those are the moments I know will keep me sane. In fact, I’ve been reveling in that moment for about a week now. One friend in particular, we have history, we are very close, she’s too funny. Her humour is ridiculously vile and would not be accepted as a general rule for being too inpolitically correct, but that suits me fine. A sort of escapism from what society deems as acceptable, as long as we’re not hurting anybody directly. Hmm, this is kind of cathartic isn’t it? I’m not sure who’d sit and read all of this really but the feeling of my fingers tapping on the keyboard without really thinking about it is quite freeing. It’s refreshing. And with that I’m going to stop.