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Monthly Archives: March 2013

Blank.

There’s this feeling of which I can’t locate. How strange that the intellect limits the means to describe a feeling? It’s a sadness. It’s a quiet mulling over of nothingness. It’s of striving to be the best I can and the fight to achieve that, the uphill motions. I know more than anyone that living is the now, to remain positive is to lap up the current, to look around and absorb everything that makes me .. me. The family of which I am forever grateful but take for granted; the food derived from love of a mother, not just the food I eat but the emitting of love from everything she does; the way in which my family don’t know a significant part of me. Some would say it’s nobody’s business, but it’s all relative and I want them to share who I am before it’s too late. I guess it’s fear that holds me back, the fear of change, the fear that my life will be different. Perhaps it won’t, perhaps if I if were to slot in the fact that I like dudes won’t change a thing. I haven’t started living yet, I’m unable to be myself. I know that when I do tell, when it does surface, when what’s really within me it’ll feel like the crashing of a waterfall to its bed, like a bird in flight against a hazy, deep orange sunset, like the blooming of a flower in the spring’s new day, like the birth of a baby, the weep of joy and new beginnings. It’s only me who holds back what I want to happen, but the outcome of how people feel is not up to me and I guess that’s what stops me in my tracks. This is why I believe leaving the country to really become comfortable in being able to expose myself at a later time is of need. I don’t want to run from my family, from what I know, but it feels like a gut instinct. I feel I need to tear myself away in order to tear what they know about me in half. We’re governed by fear and love, those two emotions rule every other feeling. I guess, though I hate to admit it in my stubborn ways, that fear is overriding the love at present. I can go days without noticing sometimes, but moments like now just bring stuff to the surface and I’m losing my battle with being a master of disguise. It’s repressing who I am, I can’t be this person, I need to regain myself, I need to be me and to be loved in being me. My personality is suppressed, it’s fading, like the closing of an acorn, trod on, squashed, tired. I’m tired. This doesn’t mean that at times I don’t appreciate what I do have, the fact that I have lungs to breathe and legs to walk and a fingers to type and heart to love with. I am humble in the world’s presence, in the love others give me, in the breath of fresh air. I love life, I just want for it to be free, no cost, not governed by a society or culture that makes people like me hide themselves. There must be millions of others like me and for them I feel pain too. We’re a world trapped in so many wrongdoings. Aside from all of that, this life is for the taking and we are the rulers of our garden. It’s time to climb.

I watched this movie called Small Apartments. It stars British comedian Matt Lucas as a loner who is trying to overcome his brother’s institutionalisation in a mental hospital. It steers through various plot lines, of murder, of a shooting, of random neighbours. It’s very surreal, sometimes funny, sometimes deep, rather art house, sparse yet filled with depth. This is a quote at the end of the movie from Lucas’s character (Franklin) brother Bernard. It struck a chord with me, how I don’t feel I’m really living my life to the max and only I can change that. I have the power. However, I’m surrounded by love and ultimately that is what keeps me steady. Anyway, it’s below.

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“Franklin, what are we so scared of? You only get one shot at this life. There are no do-overs. Time wasted is time lost. The past is ghost, the future a dream, there is only right now. We need to forgive each other Franklin, forgive and keep moving forward because we’re all so ridiculously imperfect. And we need to find a place we call home, a place where we know were loved and we feel safe. I see it all so clearly now, it doesn’t matter if you live in a small apartment of a big mansion on a hill, it doesn’t matter if you live in a mental institution or on some sunny beach in St Croy. It’s all in your mind, every moment of your life is what you make it. Pain, love, fear, happiness, you choose to feel each of them so choose to be happy Franklin.

Choose to be happy, because happiness is a state of mind.”

A quietness consumes me today. The wind is exerting its power over natural construction, as I mindfully peer from out of my window. Somehow it seems a feeling of positive mental attitude is difficult to maintain, it’s frustrating at times. Slowly, thoughts stream their way in to my psyche and I’ll recognise them with a quick banishment. I feel an anticipatory longing for my brother who’ll soon move to another country to expand his career, a move that is wholly brilliant. This is where the lesson of letting go is important.

What’s the proverb? “Love with an open hand”.

And as the hand that made me drifts further from home, so does another.

Damn I’ll miss his physical presence, though I’m sure we’ll be in touch rather quite a lot.

You know when a track speaks to you, just when you need it? A day of sharing love, for this, I try to be as grateful as possible. Maybe she was right yesterday, when things got heated, maybe I do take them for granted. I don’t like that she put the doubt in my mind, however much of a passing comment she thought she was making. Do everything from the heart with conviction, if it’s pure, if it stems from the heart thus love, then stick to your guns. Time always brings about an answer for me. So I shan’t dwell too much, I just hope she is okay. So I sent her this song. And it spoke to me too.

Praying can work, can’t it? I don’t refer to the religious type of praying, but the dispersion of goodwill thoughts and energy in to the universe. You ask, and ye shall get. I write this with a smile on my face and I hope not to defer the goodness of which I believe these ‘prayers’ to have achieved by relaying the fact the universe has worked in tow with my heart.

My brother returned home today with a job offer in the UAE.

When you really believe the things you ask for and they are achievable anecdotes, they materialise to reality and there’s no greater feeling than right now and the positive attribution of such desires falling upon the lap of my brother.

Pride is beaming, hope sustains and positive mental attitude perseveres. Things aren’t at their best right now, but failing to recognise such ailments of life almost make them non-existent. It’s not ignorance, it’s control of thought.

How very empowering.