Built a home for you


There’s this feeling of which I can’t locate. How strange that the intellect limits the means to describe a feeling? It’s a sadness. It’s a quiet mulling over of nothingness. It’s of striving to be the best I can and the fight to achieve that, the uphill motions. I know more than anyone that living is the now, to remain positive is to lap up the current, to look around and absorb everything that makes me .. me. The family of which I am forever grateful but take for granted; the food derived from love of a mother, not just the food I eat but the emitting of love from everything she does; the way in which my family don’t know a significant part of me. Some would say it’s nobody’s business, but it’s all relative and I want them to share who I am before it’s too late. I guess it’s fear that holds me back, the fear of change, the fear that my life will be different. Perhaps it won’t, perhaps if I if were to slot in the fact that I like dudes won’t change a thing. I haven’t started living yet, I’m unable to be myself. I know that when I do tell, when it does surface, when what’s really within me it’ll feel like the crashing of a waterfall to its bed, like a bird in flight against a hazy, deep orange sunset, like the blooming of a flower in the spring’s new day, like the birth of a baby, the weep of joy and new beginnings. It’s only me who holds back what I want to happen, but the outcome of how people feel is not up to me and I guess that’s what stops me in my tracks. This is why I believe leaving the country to really become comfortable in being able to expose myself at a later time is of need. I don’t want to run from my family, from what I know, but it feels like a gut instinct. I feel I need to tear myself away in order to tear what they know about me in half. We’re governed by fear and love, those two emotions rule every other feeling. I guess, though I hate to admit it in my stubborn ways, that fear is overriding the love at present. I can go days without noticing sometimes, but moments like now just bring stuff to the surface and I’m losing my battle with being a master of disguise. It’s repressing who I am, I can’t be this person, I need to regain myself, I need to be me and to be loved in being me. My personality is suppressed, it’s fading, like the closing of an acorn, trod on, squashed, tired. I’m tired. This doesn’t mean that at times I don’t appreciate what I do have, the fact that I have lungs to breathe and legs to walk and a fingers to type and heart to love with. I am humble in the world’s presence, in the love others give me, in the breath of fresh air. I love life, I just want for it to be free, no cost, not governed by a society or culture that makes people like me hide themselves. There must be millions of others like me and for them I feel pain too. We’re a world trapped in so many wrongdoings. Aside from all of that, this life is for the taking and we are the rulers of our garden. It’s time to climb.


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