We don’t have to go without.

Here I am again. I’m fond of such affections, though this time around, I’m not feeling it, y’know? Perhaps it’s down to me, perhaps I’m not ready. Perhaps I can’t be bothered to play up to such new found affinity. Perhaps I just don’t fancy him enough. Perhaps he’s moving too fast {cue the Artful Dodger tune}.

Today, I’m reflective. Such reflection is brought on by blatantly ignoring opportunities for rest and a little bit of debauchery over of the weekend. Just a little bit. I feel so calm and relaxed inside. Like patterned waves are brushing their way over and through me, leaving a multicolour canvas of absolute brilliance. I love when I feel like this. It feels like oneness, like nothing should affect me. It’s a beautiful sense of absorption, pulsating in harmony with the world around me.

I’ve been pondering on where my life should go now that my course is over. I’ve achieved a qualification that I’ve been bringing to the forefront of my mind for at least a year now. And it’s happened. Just like that. Finished. Achieved. Such a build up and time just plucks me like a hair from the ground of mother Earth and plops me on the other side, where the grass is becoming greener through imaginary escapism.

I hear arguing in the background. Person J reacts in anger through guilt and her own stupidity. Person M puts forth her point because she cares. I put my earphones back in. They’re messing up my serenity. Selfish maybe, but such is the key to positive thinking.

Letting go is good for the soul. Cleansing. I’m finding it difficult to let go of one small thing: my business. I miss it dearly. Does that mean it’s my passion? I’ve taken up teaching to earn, to communicate, to meet new people and to achieve, to see if my life takes shape. All of what happened before this moment seems like a routed path, in reference to my career anyway. It’s a strange feeling the overcomes me when I piece together the pieces of rocky and unsteady path that has lead me to here today. It’s like a revelation. It’s like I can finally know why those dark times were there. It’s so I can feel like this. This wave of beauty that has been encapsulated by every bit of my grown being. I took up teaching English as a second language to earn, namely, but since I’ve finished, I’m faced with endless possibilities; beaches to explore, nations to endear to, people to befriend – the world is actually my oyster.

It’s like a whole new me.

From the positive thinking course at the beginning of the year, to the incessant health kick, to the regained consciousness, to finding an ease again in expressing myself through writing, to confidence in meet and greets, to utter dedication to self-growth.

Is it worth it without somebody? That won’t stop me exploring. But as the song I’ve had on repeat since I heard it on BBC Radio 1 on the bus home tonight says: “We don’t have to go without.”


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