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Monthly Archives: November 2013

I’m working at a local art gallery space, volunteering my time and presence while the exhibition remains open during the week before the final awards show bash tomorrow night.

One of the 24 art pieces as submitted by artists from all over the UK sits beside me at reception. The piece is an arrangement of 20 or so clinical looking name tags/cards akin to the kind that doctors carry around their necks or name tags attached by a safety pin for VIP visitors to a champagne launch. On each of the cards is typed one word, each sharing a suffix of ‘tor’, examples being operator, negotiator, indicator, allocator, abbreviator and so on.

One of the artists has popped in with her mother to see the exhibition before the big show tomorrow and upon looking at this piece next and deciding which ‘role’ they would assign each other, the mother asked me which I’d choose for myself. I lied and said I’d picked one last week; one of those lies that generates rapport like a rapport wanker.

“Mediator,” I said, after denouncing it as boring, though with a smile locked in place like those on toothpaste adverts.

“Ah,” replied the mother. “See, I thought that one for you. Must have been a psychic connection. It must be your calmness.”

When a man like me is frustratingly shrouded in self-made insecurities, it’s the little reminders like this one that tells me humans are great. We all have our flaws but ultimately we also have our strengths, and without knowing, this lady just reminded me of one of mine.

How the mind tangles itself like seaweed, unable to untangle like chewing gum in hair. But like that chewing gum, I must find a way to snip out or freeze out these recurring dreary reticent thoughts. Not before learning from them first.

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Once again, I am trying to realign myself with peace, with a steady ground of which doesn’t shake from one’s own thoughts. After a year of achieving minor things, things that lead to a goal within a bigger goal on this journey, achieving stuff that doesn’t really matter but I seek to better myself in order to find peace and fulfilment. After a near-year of doing so, things seem to have slowed down. Or is that just an illusion of which I’ve created? Speed of time is just the same. But according to me, things have slowed down. This is in direct ratio with the way in which I am assessing the way I fulfil my desires. Fulfilling my desires in one way is just an escape from the facing a reality that I’ve long put off. At times, this reality eats me up, at other times I control my own reality. One thing’s for sure, everybody desires love and I am a being that is a part of the hyperbole ‘everybody’.

I aim to remain positive, a green haze of lust halts me somewhat. The beauty that lies within this grounded leaf doesn’t, for me, work in sync with me trying to fulfil my desires. But positive thoughts stem from the love my family give so easily, and acceptance, one which I crave but already have. This is what humans do to themselves. Lost control, send themselves a bit crazy, find routes to escape in. But me… escape from what? I live an extremely privileged life in comparison to some. My positive thinking course told me not to compare myself with anybody, but sometimes, to put things into perspective, comparing myself to the less fortunate helps. But having typed that out, it made me think “Who am I to judge that they are less fortunate?” Maybe they see the confusion within my eyes and in fact pity me.

Perhaps that was a little realisation there.

**

I’m still speaking to Tom, my Polish friend. He still in some way sparks an interest because his character is so different to anybody I know. This is not always positive. We clash and this isn’t because we are doing anything wrong; this is just an example of how two “normally” inclined people have such different characters that they clash, no matter how much one of them forces things to work. His character intrigues me. I don’t trust him. My instinct says he is playing games but he’s the kind of person who makes me look at myself and think “is it me playing games?” I’ll see what happens with him.