Life Bullets.

– I’m going to give lectures at the college I work at. The planning is tremendously long. I will be proud once it’s over but right now I’m rather nervous. Over time, these nerves have developed into positive nerves. Less losing sleep and stuff now.

– “I love you,” said my father. He rarely says it but it made me smile. Despite all of the anger I felt for him at one time in the distant, such feelings have now been relinquished and I’m grateful that somebody loves me, regardless of his ability to show it. Love is love, however it is packaged.

– I’ve been feeling romantic feelings for a guy. We’ve been talking coming up to a year. My intuition all along told me that we weren’t right, because I’ve learnt a lot about people over the years and the way he acted on occasions had the alarm bells ringing. It’s been difficult to trust him with me, because I’m delicate when in love. On the face of it I’m strong but deep deep down, I’m easily rocked. Perhaps this, coupled with my general fear of letting anyone in, is why I feel hurt by what has transpired, and why I’ve taken so long to let go and open up. However, he listened to a friend’s opinion about me and he formed some sort of judgement from that opinion. It’s a confusing situation but I’ve realised it’s not right to take it forward. I don’t want to go full steam ahead into something that carries so much uncertainty. Plus, our situations are different, we’re totally different people, in different countries, and although I hate comparing, he just doesn’t make me feel the way I have been made to feel in the past. I felt loved and respected and appreciated. I shouldn’t compare, but nothing will ever compare to the previous time. I don’t want to be physically alone, I want someone to love me, to care about me, and for me to do so in return. I’m not pining. I guess as I age, I’m getting to know what I want. What I do know is that he has made me feel unsure about myself and the worst thing is I keep allowing him to do so. I know now that I shouldn’t be made to feel like this. I’m beautiful – without sounding like I’m up myself, we all carry some beauty and purity. I want him to think that. He’s unsure of my intentions and So Am I. The reality is, he’s not the one. It makes me sad to type it but I just know. I have learnt to take opportunities when they arise … he has taught me a lot about myself. Like I need to deal with some issues I have, talking to him is like putting a mirror to my face and facing the reality of who I am. As if I didn’t have the opportunity to do so before or because I just wasn’t aware. I’ve learnt that I’m still a big softy, that I can stand up for myself, that I can rationalise, that I can forgive, that I can care, that I can listen, that I can be patient. I’ve learnt that I need to improve my self confidence, take opportunities because life is running away, that I should trust a little more easily Some people enter your life to teach you stuff – I think my lesson has been learnt. I’m currently not talking to him because the brain power it takes up is interfering with my job.

– Work is busy. I’m so much more settled. I feel at home in that place. The staff are amazing. They’ve helped me so much. I am now accustomed to doing registers, feeling comfortable in front of a classroom full of students, and I hope that I’ve become a teacher who the students can rely on for their language needs as well being a sort-of-mate. We have fun and laughter and it’s nice to form bonds. I’ve also made a few “friends”. I use that term loosely because it’s early days but I appreciate the bonds for what they are right now. A few of us are even going to Glasgow this weekend to lap up the Commonwealth Games. Should be fun. Road trip.

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2 comments
  1. It is good to know what you want (and don’t want). Never let anyone (or fear) undermine those standards you set for yourself, because if you ‘settle’ for less than you need you will live to regret it. You are beautiful, inside and out. I’m glad you know so. Never lose sight of that. You deserve everything you dream of in love and from life. Hope the weekend was fun.

    – J

  2. You are so sweet to me. It never goes unnoticed. You moved and restored me. Thank you. ❤

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