Since returning from Brazil, I’ve been in a bit of daze. I described it as floating from the sky like a feather, no crash landing was imminent but the inevitable was coming. For the year previous to Brazil, I was focused on only that, and in the knowledge that I’d be going away, I was constantly upbeat and determined. It was a good feeling and I realise that I work well towards goals, of having a goal is pretty good for me. I mean, I do retain my typical viewpoint of not trying to work too hard or focusing solely on work because I’ve realised throughout my years that a balance is needed in everything. Everything in balance.
I’m currently in a daze again, but this time with my feet firmly on the ground. I have no idea what’s going on with me emotionally in terms of a significant other. It’s head against heart, and I’m starting to lose heart because of the exerted effort that is required to make something work. My premonitions have come into fruition and although the universe knows what the hell is going on, as a human with compassion it’s still difficult to face the end of something. Although I’m not sure it is the end. Or whether it really began. See, long distance relationships can work. I’ve seen it happen. And in fact, for a person like me, there’s loads of benefits to those kinds of relationship. But perhaps I’m in a stage of my life where I’d rather share moments that I can physically remember. We were given senses for a reason on this Earth and one of the best uses for them is with a significant other, they are never more heightened than when the heart is involved. Or food. Yeah. Food. God I love food. And music. These things evoke strong feelings. I dunno.
I don’t know what I’m doing again. I’m just plodding along but I’ve been a bit of a misery guts the last couple of weeks. It’s probably because I haven’t allowed my body to rest after Brazil, I’ve been partying like a mad 21 year old. This 30 year old body doesn’t allow for the same debauchery. Or perhaps it’s because after finding some form of love, even though I don’t know in what way it has manifested, it probably won’t work because we’re just so different.
It makes me sad to think it actually, after having pondered it just now, between paragraphs, listening to mournful music that aims to make one nostalgic. I always know that people enter your life for a reason. I felt like I understood that with The Pole before we entered into anything “serious”, but despite that, I’m human, and I followed a twinkle that I felt. A couple of years on and the twinkle is diminishing and it’s hard to work at something when we’re challenged by distance as well as disagreements (to put it lightly). I guess we’ll see what happens. Ultimately, the universe wants what it wants and I’ll learn from it either way, tears and smiles included.
“Another day, another chance to get it right, must I still be learning, still be learning….”