Just one of those days, tracing back through the chapters

It’s here. Another year. And my 2016 was a full one. Filled with action, adventure, love, family, friends, work and a confession.

Today is one of those days when nostalgia overcomes me and despite what I do, it doesn’t seem to sleep. Memories of him wash over me like a whale washed up on a beach. That whale used to breathe life and it was at one point in the right place at the right time. A melancholy blanket is pulled up to my neck and keeps me warm until the morning time, sometimes tears fall and sometimes they don’t. Today, they do.

**

Memories of us in bed; feeling safe next to your warm body as I stroke the back of your head, your full head of thick brown hair is so soft to the touch. My gut fills with a longing that will stay with me all night. It’s just how I’m built.

Memories of us in your flat; you stand facing the large sliding door window infront of your dj set up and you play another vinyl. I watch your back, the way your neck hangs and your jogger bottoms hang to expose your boxers.

Memories of you in the morning; you sit at the dining table staring out the window, eating your morning orange and drinking your coffee while contemplating your day or thinking about your own country or nothing, thinking about nothing. I don’t know. I never asked. As I climb the spiral wooden stairs, the gaps in bannister poles allow me to see you and I smile. I smile at the thought of being presented with your love. I miss those mornings.

Memories of your embrace; on the sofa, you put your head on my thigh and lie flat out on the sofa and I stroke your hair as we feign interest in what’s on the TV. I loved looking into your eyes as they drooped to sleep. I stroke your face and beard and watch you looking peaceful in my arms.

**

Thoughts like that on days like this flash through my mind. The chapter has been closed. But sometimes, without much persuasion, I flick back through the previous chapter to get lost in the feeling and the person and the moments that made me feel a sense of contentment I hadn’t felt for a long time.

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